


St. Brian Valentine

by alota_cookin



Category: Backstreet Boys
Genre: Comedy, Valentine's Day
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-04
Updated: 2020-08-04
Packaged: 2021-03-06 01:47:35
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 931
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25715287
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/alota_cookin/pseuds/alota_cookin
Summary: Do you believe in brainwashing alien stuffed animals that posses witchcraft powers? Neither did Brian, but now he's in a...eh, you'll just have to read, to find out.Written for a challenge  02/03/11
Kudos: 1





	St. Brian Valentine

Someone shoot me! I didn’t mind working on some holidays, but it was Valentine’s Day, so I was stuck in stock room, trying to price a sea of roses, candy and annoying, creepy stuffed animals that look like they are about to attack me, at any moment. As a matter of fact, I was willing to bet that all Valentine’s stuffed animals are really alien creatures from some other planet, sent here to brain wash the suckers who got shot in the rump with Cupid’s stupid arrow. Cupid’s arrow…now there is some serious witchcraft, if I’ve ever seen any! Aliens and witchcraft…that’s what this holiday is! Who came up with this stupid holiday, anyways? Someone should shoot them, too. Yeah…shoot them and then shoot me...that way I can watch them crumple to the ground, in agonizing pain, as they beg for mercy from the alien stuffed animal gods!

“What’s with the long face, Bri?” Now why does Nick have to come shuffling into my huge mountain of misery? Hm? He’s gonna step on a stuffed foot, enrage the alien Valentine gods and then the Earth will come to a dramatic and hideously romantic end. Bah humbug…oh wait…that’s the grumpy saying for Christmas…I need one for Valentine’s day. Ugh. Ok…think…um…

“Stupid Cupid.” Oh yeah…that was original. Puh. Wait…did that teddy bear just…

“Um…ok? Shoot…I just stepped on something…what was that?!” See? I knew he’d step on something…the clumsy little twerp! I told him not to come visit me at work! Now you watch...there’s gonna be smoke and lights and… Wait…what was that? It sounded like thunder? Aw man, I hate storms. But that sounded like it came from the midst of the Valentine gift pile. Aaaaaand now there’s a bright green light filling the room.

“I knew there were aliens! I knew it! I KNEW IT!” Sure enough, from the depths of all the gifts, arose a floating teddy bear that was dressed like cupid. That just figures.

“My wing has been broken…and now you…shall replace me as Cupid.” Ok…first of all, this is a bit too much like The Santa Clause, for me. Secondly…does cupid seriously talk like a valley girl on helium? And thirdly…that floating bear can not be talkin’…ta me!

“Uh uh…no way…heck no…forget it!” Yep…Nick hot tailed his rump right on outta here, leaving me cornered by this alien, cupid teddy bear. Crap!

“Dear Lord, I pray that you don’t burden me with such a heinous punishment. Whatever I have done…whatever sin I have committed…surely isn’t worthy of such…”

“SILENCE! You shall take on the duties of Cupid!” With a quick wave of the hand…er, paw…the green light of the room dissipated and turned into fluttering silver glitter. Looking downward, I nearly burst into tears. Purple tights hugged my legs in the most unmanly way and the pink tutu around my waist was decorated with little purple hearts that matched them.

“I swear…if I have wings…” Sure enough, looking over my shoulder…I spotted pink and purple wings that had a silver glitter adorning them. This was seriously the worst day, of my life. Please…please…wake up from this dream!

“Do it! Do it! Do it!” Either my eyes need adjusting…or every stuffed animal in the room is now floating in the air and swirling around my head. And you probably thought I was off my rocker when I mentioned brainwashing, alien stuffed animals, huh?

“Aw look…I have a wand, too! Isn’t that flippin’ precious? With a glittery bow and arrow to match! How lucky am I? At least I got to keep the combat…” Me and my big mouth! I didn’t even get to finish the comment before my combat boots transformed into cute little ballet shoes. I had no choice…I had to get out of there!

“Don’t run!” Ha! That’s exactly what I was gonna do! Without another thought, I ran my butt out of that stock room, down the store aisles, and out the front door. Just my luck, the stuffed animals followed me like an army of alien minions, and there were news crews outside the store, conveniently…catching every step I made.

“AAAAAAAAH! I’M CUPID!” With a breeze flooding under my tutu…my hair flapping in the wind…a sparkly glitter trail floating behind me…and my possessed Valentine gift army…I ran as fast as my legs would carry me. As I ran down the streets of Orlando, the stuffed animals slowly dispersed among the girls that happened to be close by.

By the time I came to a stop, all the gifts had new homes, the glittery fairy Cupid dust was gone, and I was back to my usual attire. I’m not sure where the wings went, or anything, but boy was I happy to have my jeans back! The downside was that, at least, two news crews had gotten the whole thing on tape and would probably be airing it on the nightly news.

I kid you not…it was the very next day when Backstreet Fever started sweeping the United States. So yeah…don’t underestimate the power of alien stuffed animals with witchcraft powers. After all…they are the whole reason you spend thousands of dollars on the group. Now…you know the real reason you love us so much! But hey…don’t remind the guys, ok? They’ve finally forgotten my tutu escapades!


End file.
